Sunday, Dec. 15, 2002
After the fall, things will never be the same.
Why is it that once you've had your heart broken, all the hideously shmaltzy movies of the early 90's start to make sense to you?I just sat and watched "Fools Rush In". Yes. The entire movie.
I'm so very not proud.
So here i sit, in the vain hope that if i tap away on this keyboard i'd have exhausted all my conversational ability, thus rendering me useless and unable to smessage anyone for at least an evening.
Yeah... you know I did.
It's all his fault though. What with the tight embraces and the briefest of kisses and the whole "I don't want to rush this, so let's take it slow and see what happens."
Not exactly normal ex-boyfriend behaviour really, is it?
Then again, i guess Spike isn't any normal ex-boyfriend.
After I met up with FYC guy (why do ridiculously attractive men seem to find comfort in overly-thin girlfriends with rather large teeth?), i went and picked up my graduation cap and gown (ohh, did i mention I graduate tomorrow?) and, driving back, called Spike, (we'd been messaging on and off all day).
"Umm.. Spike, how often did you want to see me? I'm not really getting what's going on here."
*pause*
"I haven't figured that out yet".
"Ok. I'll just keep this up until you tell me to stop."
"Sounds like a plan."
After last night's little episode, i found myself crawling into bed at around 8pm, feeling ridiculously old and pitiful... and very, very tired.
So I smessaged.
"Heya. When you said you wanted to take things slow, what did you mean? Is this a whole lulling me into a false sense of security thing or are you realising that you miss me terribly and simply can't let me get away this easily?" (Last bit probably sounds better if you add a Gone With The Wind dramatic touch - cheers)
*beep beep*
"I'm not leading you on. I don't want a relationship. If we can be friends and see where that takes us that would be great. But no promises. You deserve better. :( " (That last bit is something he's been saying a lot lately, i blame Tim Freedman and the Whitlams' Torch The Moon cd entirely - Track 9)
Ummm... yeah. It's that "and see where that takes us" bit that I'm not completely understanding. You see, i'm still in love with him. And, while this may sound slightly conceited, i'm around 94% sure that his feelings for me are still about the same.
How can two people love each other and stay friends? And then, if anything were to actually eventuate, wouldn't two people who are in love and more than friends actually *be* a relationship?
So i wrote back. I asked him, if anything, not to deny me his heart if feels i already have it, and that he's already got mine for a little anyway. Then i told him that he's lucky he has me to see the good in him, seeing as he thinks so little of himself, and that he actually appears to be the best for me right now... shagging bastard (which has now been elevated to more of a term of endearment than an abusive afterthought tacked on to any mention of Spike)
I think i'm going to do a new cast thingy - people have been running in and out of my life so quickly lately. I think i'll do that sometime tomorrow.
For now though, i'm off to dream about oversized black grad gowns and cruel hearted men who refuse to let themselves love me.
Ohh, and Carraway... it really was ever so pretty.