Monday, Sept. 05, 2005
never meant to fail.
so i've had some downtime.i guess the past couple of weeks have been a bit full on. it's my first day of my 'week off' (the Abbott's on daddy duty) again so i can eat tuna out of a can and shlep around in my brown velvet trackies and bad hair for a few days. yeah, you think i'm real hot now, don't you... my health has been crazy and work has been worse (i was 'shifted across' {read: demoted at level} last week so now i'm organising travel and making sure conference rooms have enough natural light. way to spend four years studying policy). And i'm getting tired.
i think I'm trying to be too many people at once. Like parental ophelia, when i fish 11 year olds out of country dams and march them into the bathroom, or when i take a two hour lunchbreak from work and run the sausage sizzle for a bunch of sixth graders. Or like when i wait to see Charlie and the Chocolate factory two weeks after its release because Abby would like it.
Then i'm the good daughter who just wants to make everyone happy and go home like i should. i thought i'd grow out of it, but every now and then i still ache to go home to my purple walls and my wooden floorboards and my cat and my daddy and my mother's ethnic nagging. and now that a bit of my heart's here it's not so easy to thing "well, if i don't like it i could just go home". i didn't mean to find the abbott, but i don't mean to hurt the family by not being there for birthdays, or father's day, or mother's day. i get the feeling if i don't go home for christmas they'll all come to canberra, en mass, like some crazy ethnic convention, and fly me back home with them.
Then i'm girlfriend ophelia, cooking amazing dinners and pouring the boyfriend beer and watching stupid war movies on tv because i know he likes them, and using the 'L' word more than ever anticipated and hoping i mean it. i used to think i did, really, and it's not for lack of wanting to or sabotage. but the fact of the matter is i know in my heart the abbott and i aren't long term. i know that charlie was... is... the one person i'd ever want to spend the rest of my life with. and it hurts that i know i could lose him. both of them. and that i'll have that empty alone feeling i had when i lost him the first time.
visions of a garden wedding and a nice warm house and 2.3 children and a smiling charlie i'll never have.
all the things i'm too afraid to say out loud.
i didn't tell you, but i wrote him a letter. i kept sobbing into my pillow at night so the abbott wouldn't notice. it got to the point where the new alex lloyd song would come on the radio and i couldn't stop the tears from falling.
so i wrote him a letter. telling him that he is loved and always will be. that i'm here if he ever needs me. that he may feel alone but there's someone thinking about him every single day.
i know. it could've been more selfish than anything. i kept thinking about how the sydneysider would smessage out of the blue, just to drive me crazy, and i don't want to be seen like i'm doing the same thing.
i just didn't want him to be alone.
maybe it's just the hormones. (oh yeah, i forgot to tell you. **OVERSHARE WARNING** after evil alient implant from hell turned angry and i spent 2 weeks with a period i couldn't get rid of i went back to the Hot Doctor and demanded he remove the offending alien body. instead he gave me even more hormones so instead of being fat, grumpy and pmsing i'm just fat now. And to top it off, the sharp stabbing pain in the netherregions won't go away and i refused to have Hot Doctor look at me (*that* was one of the world's most embarrassing discussions) so he refered me to the specialist and i get to see her at the end of october. october. sharp stabby pains for the next month. i might crack and go see Hot Doctor early).
so yeah. i guess i'm just tired.